Leaving the blog for a few days,just to get a peace of mind....but in the end,i still have to come back here,to drop my words and heart feelings......
How have i been? still the same.... but glad that we finally make it to the trip to Pg...yeah, my hometown...and he really make Pg more meaningful to me.... make me loves the beach more... he left me the best memories on the beach... the trip was short....2 days..but this is a whole life memory which is still so fresh in my mind. It was like a dream,really even when i am back here, still as if it was a dream...so unreal...it was too perfect, and i never felt that throughout my life before. if possible, i really wish that we would do it again, and wish to have more time. That 2 days, it was like living in heaven, i felt so pampered and loved. Cuddling with him on bed,hug each other to sleep, and waking up to see him the first, being morning kiss on the forehead...tat was the kind of relationship i wanted.... but....like i said, it was just a dream...one day,when i woke up, the dream will be gone,and wat left will be heartache and forever memories.....
i finally told him tat, i wanted his baby. i wanted to leave smtg of him wif me, that i can have all by myself forever and will not leave me...our baby... i have never thought i would want to have baby with any guys,but him....i dunno,i just wanted,i dun even know y i could have fall so deep this time..i thought the previous was bad enuff,but this time, i have really went far beyond, i dun know how to turn back as well...i see no u-turn in front....i know he wont be there in my life in the future, he has his own responsibilities, that is why i want him to leave something for me, i dun need him to be responsible for us, i dun need as well, i believe i can make it by myself. he is alwiz worry about my health, how am i gonna do this myself.... i know what is his concern, i just wanna tell him "dear, i dunno how to assured you how certain i am of this baby, i dunno how to convinced you that i can do it, i just know, i can,and i will, with or without you...." but everytime he ignores the topic, or expression telling me, he dun wan me to do it, it just hurt and really make me feel the thrill back my spine, the sourness crawls thru every vein....
他告诉我，他已经理智了很多，冷静很多，我感觉得到。。。所以我心开始寒了，也渐渐的痛了起来，常常会感觉到酸酸的。。。这是不是在告诉着我，“我很快就得离开了”？？？这几天都很不好过，虽然都有在讲电话，网上聊天，可是我们真的开始忘了最初的快乐了，最初的单纯相恋感觉了。。。我也相信，他不会再那么糊涂了。。。我已经失去了当初的他了。。。他爱我，他疼我，他关心我，我都知道，感觉到。。。就是感觉不到那份真心了。一个人的心底却融入不到两个人，他的心早已经满了。世事就是这样，找到能够融入你的人，却给不到你想要的，给到你想要的那个人，却融入不下你了。。。这是我不能奢求的。。。为由默默的跟在他背后。。
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